Okay, I get the message...

 Here I sit, months after blogging about how I need to learn how to rest... with pneumonia. Forced to "rest" at home for about a week now, too weak to get out and do anything. I haven't been to work in 6 days, and I haven't had this awesome, rejuvenating period of rest, either. I just feel light-headed and nauseous and I have this annoying, gargling fluid in my lungs. It's not been any sort of "break" or "rest" from work, but instead, a forced period of doing nothing because I physically can't do anything. Walking up stairs feels like I ran four miles. And I'm not a runner.

All of this is to say that if God wanted to force me to rest, He's accomplished that. I get the message. If I won't prioritize rest for myself, then rest was going to come and find me. I get the message.

I must admit, all of this is coming at a rather strange time in my life. I've felt for several months now that I'm at a "crossroads" in my career (or in my life... I can't decide yet), meaning that something in the air is telling me that things are going to drastically change for me. Maybe it's because I'm just easily bored, and life has been going pretty steady as of late, so I feel the inherent need to "mix things up." I don't think it's that, but I don't want to rule it out as a possibility. I know it sounds dramatic. Maybe I'm hitting my midlife crisis at the ripe age of 29. (My brain does develop asynchronously as compared to like peers.)

What I actually think is going on is that God is calling me to "step out of the boat" into something new -- a great unknown where He is calling me to trust in Him and walk on the waters of a new adventure. I don't want to live a life of complacency where everything is comfortable and predictable and status-quo. I want to be responsive to His very real, very active Spirit that rushes around like a fiery wind, being ready to move wherever He goes. I've always loved walking in-step with His Spirit in that way, and even though it freaks some people out to walk into an unknown like that, I find it exhilarating and perhaps the closest I've ever felt to sharing the heart of my Maker. 

I also just realized, though, that God is also a Spirit of peace and calls His children to be still. It's this weird dichotomy where we're called to "go to the ends of the Earth" but also "be still and know He is God." It can be confusing for a simple human like me to decipher what exactly He's calling me to in this season... this season that feels like something's about to change, but at the same time, the very season He's told me very directly and clearly that I need to sit down and rest. 

So much of my faith has been finding God in the tension between two seemingly opposed ideas -- the thought of trusting in His perfect plans for our lives while also stepping out into faith and exercising free will. The thought that I am called to "be perfect as He is perfect" while simultaneously accepting that all have "sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." And now, the thought that I am called to an adventurous, thrilling purpose guided by faith, not sight... and that I'm also told to rest, to be still, and to let the Lord fight for me. It's confusing. But also, it is so good. 

The reality is that our Creator is too vast for us to understand fully -- we seek to know Him and He does reveal more and more of Himself to us, but we will never fully understand the fullness of Who He is on this side of heaven. I think He likes when we're wrestling with His many facets and diving deeper into knowing the One who made us. I think it brings him joy to have His children seek after Him in this way. And I pray that He is pleased with His daughter, who, despite her inability to rest and stop flittering around all the time, is earnestly seeking His face and desires nothing more than to be walking in-step with the plans He has laid out for her. 

I guess what I'm struggling with is what I should do when it seems like I'm receiving two callings -- the call for something greater, and the call to stay where I am and rest there for a while? It doesn't seem like both of those inklings can happen at the same time... like one of them is a "false" distraction and one of them is my "true" calling in this season. Is that even possible?

Father, I'm asking You for some clarity. For a yes, a no, or a wait. I just want what You want. I just want to be close to You and I love that I can continually turn to You at any moment and get access to your supernatural peace and comfort. Would you make the next steps clear for me? Would you gently guide me like the Good Shepherd that You are? I don't want to wander anywhere outside of Your sight and Your provision. Reign me in. Keep me in-line with where You're guiding, correcting me and leading me to the good pastures my soul needs. 

More than that, God, guide me where You need me -- where I can serve and pour out my life as an offering. Don't let me be so self-absorbed that I turn inward and chase what seems best for me in my selfish pursuit of recognition, status, or a good name for myself. Lead me not into those temptations, but instead, God, deliver me. I want to build Your kingdom and I trust that you're molding me and making me more like You for the purposes of making this world more like the world you intended. Help me to bring Your Shalom and wholeness to broken places. Help me to tread lightly and not get too fixated on one way or another, but to flow with Your Spirit gently, like a feather floating on the breeze. I trust You to move me where You want, Jesus. I'm at your disposal and I just want to be with You. Assure me of Your Presense and I'll follow You as best I can.