Resting is my CALLING?

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 God, I don't even know how to title this post. 


And when I say "God," I'm not using it as an exaggeratory phrase. I'm talking to you, Jesus. That's right -- the Creator of the universe who for some reason chooses to have a relationship with little old me. Wow. That sheds some perspective. 

Here's the thing, though-- I'm still feeling super directionless at the moment. You told me to rest and I still don't know how. I know from past experience what it feels like to be chasing after a calling You've placed on my life, and I don't feel like I'm really doing that right now. Especially because you told me to rest. How can that be my "calling?"

You're always challenging your children to grow, and MAN does it feel like a challenge for me to stop doing things. To stop running hard. To sit down. To rest. 

I heard very clearly from You about the need to rest, and so I tried to be obedient. I cut out a few things from my crazy schedule. I spent more time curled up on the couch with hot chocolate. I now am more devoted to prayer, and to taking a Sabbath each week. Those are all good things that I'm grateful for...

But is there more?

What are my marching orders now, God? What do you want me to "do?" Keep focusing on rest? Start a family? Advance my scope, reach, and impact in my career?

At this point, I'm so tired of searching that I just want you to be clear about something.

And the fact that I just wrote, "I'm so tired" means I probably haven't graduated from the whole "rest mission" yet.

*Sigh.*

Alex asked me the other day, "If you could do anything, what would you do? What's your dream job?"

So I proceeded to word-vomit for approximately 3 minutes straight, talking about what I'm good at, what I'm passionate about, what the world needs... the things John Mark Comer mentions in his (excellent) book Garden City. 

There wasn't this magical "ah-ha" moment at the end of it, either. I think the process of word-vomiting it all out like that only made me slightly more confused, somehow...? Like if I was being completely honest, I didn't have a clue what God's mission for me was. 

At the end of the day, that's all I want. That's what I'm thirsty for. That's what preventing me from resting my mind, and being "at-ease..." the fact that I don't know if I'm working towards my mission because I don't know what it is. 

I know I'm supposed to love. As Mother Teresa writes, "Love is my vocation."

I also know God told me through prophetic prayer that I am supposed to rest. Whatever that means. 

God, are you calling me to actively STOP running towards the next thing? To be content and "present where I'm planted," as they say? Then why do I feel this nagging feeling, almost alllllllllll of the time, that things could be better if I were given the chance to make them so? Why am I so dissatisfied with how things are? Why do I feel like there's a unique role I can play in improving them? 

The tension I'm in seems to resemble the rock & hard place situation. I know I need to rest but don't clearly I don't know how to do that properly, because I'm not able to stop dreaming about doing more, doing better, and making the world more like Heaven. I don't know if I'm supposed to stop dreaming while I'm resting. 

Will you teach me how to rest, God? Show me what looks like to "do it right." I believe you've hard-wired me to crave good things. Excellent things. I want to do a good job and work "as if working for the LORD" in all that I do. 

So if resting is my mission, please show me how to do it well. Teach me how to be at peace. 

Show me, as you said in Matthew 11:28-30, how to "find rest for my soul."

 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

I want to learn from you. This "being a teacher" thing is pretty exhausting, God. I want to be your student instead.


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