I'M WORKING ON IT!
Today I feel like I stepped on some toes. But I've been feeling like that a LOT lately, so it's causing me to wonder if this "just keeps happening" or if it's me. I think I'm leaning toward the latter.
The issues all seem to stem from me wanting justice, equity, and fairness, especially for those who have been historically robbed of these things. And if I see something happening that I perceive to be a result of someone underserved being... well... underserved (NOTE: the word is under-served, not un-deserved), then I feel as if it's my duty to call the wrong-doer out on it. Or at least get to the bottom of where the ball got dropped in the first place. I somehow always feel this urge to take it upon myself to find the broken cog in the machine... to find out what in the process could be improved so that the injustice never happens again.
And like I said -- it's this compulsion I feel. It's not something I choose to think about or care about, but this innate part of me that can't let things go when someone gets mistreated. I think that this part of the equation (or of me, rather) is pure and good and holy. I believe it's a desire to see Shalom, wholeness, and justice in our world, put there by my Creator. And I don't want to be ashamed of it.
The problem, however, that I keep running into is that not everyone thinks like me, and not everyone notices things I notice, or is aware of the gaps I'm aware of, basically all of the time. And so I feel I must alert them -- to sound the alarms that "Something's not right! Something is broken and we need to do something to fix it!"
...and in my experience, people generally do not want to hear this. What they don't know can't hurt them, so as soon as I bring it up, they're now accountable to being part of the solution. Is that what they're upset about? It's another thing they have to address?
Or are they just embarrassed that they didn't know it was happening in the first place?
Are they upset that now there's more work on their plates that they have to deal with, or else face the consequences?
Are they defensive, assuming that me calling out a broken link in the chain is somehow calling them out for not doing their jobs?
...and what if deep down, that's exactly what I'm hoping to accomplish without even knowing?
Father,
Help me to see others the way you see them -- help me to have grace, compassion, and understanding for those who "know not what they do." I know I struggle with pride, but it seems like there's this super thin line between pride and wanting to do what is right / just / pleasing to You. I'm having a really hard time living at peace with everyone while trying to walk that tightrope, and I need some guidance and understanding for where I fall short. I know I'm not perfect and you still choose to give me grace. I should always be leading with grace for others when they prove to be imperfect, too.
The reality is that even when I want to do what is right for a student, for example, I get in my own way because of the steps I take to get there... I make people get defensive and upset, which makes it all less likely they'll even want to work with me to resolve the issue. That's not good for the student and it's not good for my chances of having an ally in the future, either.
I don't want to turn a blind eye to injustice. But I need help with the next steps after an injustice has been recognized. How do I make things better when it does involve other people having to change their behavior? I take a lot of issues and apply the good-old "I'll just handle it myself" mentality, but sometimes, I need others' help. Sometimes things are beyond my control, beyond the scope of my position, my job title, my seniority, and my expertise... I need others to share the weight. What do I do if they're not carrying the load as much as they should? And who determines whose portion is whose?
I'm starting to confuse myself. The facts are these:
1. I always seem to want things to change for the better. Sometimes it involves underserved populations, which lights an extra-bright fire under me because I feel like I'm then fighting in the name of social justice instead of just "Carly likes things to be perfect, just because..." but one thing is for sure: it's how God made me and I am grateful to be made this way.
2. Sometimes, me calling attention to broken things rubs people the wrong way. On one hand, I can't control their reactions, and if I'm calling attention to the broken things in a loving, kind way and they still get their feathers ruffled, then did I do anything wrong? On the other hand, I know all too well that delivery really matters, and if I'm too hasty to call attention to something broken and it offends someone, the bridge can be burnt pretty badly and things backfire for the worse. So it's not enough to say "Just say what needs to be said-- you can't control how people will react!" because sometimes you can and should choose your words carefully if you want to live at peace with everyone and you want your message to be well-received. It's a really hard position to be in for someone who was raised to be extra-super-hyper-conscious of the feelings of others. When things aren't well received, I question whether or not I should have said something in the first place, or if I should have said it differently, or better, or if I should back-track and apologize... my mind spirals pretty often. I'm still working on it.
3. I struggle to find my role in calling attention to brokenness and working towards its resolve. Sometimes I doubt if it's my role at all, actually. I think to some extent it is... that God has called us to live and work on this Earth in a way that mimics the Kingdom of Heaven... even though it's a "broken world" and everything, we shouldn't just throw our hands up and say "Oh well!" and wait until Jesus comes back to make everything right. We're here for a reason... Kingdom-builders who are to be Jesus' hands and feet in the world. We're to be Lights and Salt that make things brighter, better, and more holy. So I know I have a role to play, but what is it? The struggle is real.
Is my role calling attention to brokenness, or just rolling up my sleeves and doing something about it? What if I keep rolling up my sleeves for the exact same problem and there's a way to prevent it from happening? What do I do then? What if (and this is the rub), I need others to carry their part of the weight with me? Or what if it's not my role to take part in at all, but I notice someone else isn't doing their job? Is whistle-blowing in my list of duties as a responsible Christian? Can it sometimes be justified in the name of Jesus, especially if it prevents someone else from being treated unfairly?
I think there's a slight difference between preemptively trying to prevent things from happening versus responding to an injustice that has already occurred, too. Oftentimes I combine the two, saying "Hey, just you know, _____ is happening and I think we need to do ______ so it won't happen again." Again, it's all in the name of 1) bringing it to the appropriate people's attention and then 2) trying to make sure it doesn't happen again through process improvements.
Why, then, do people take it so personally and are so resistant to jumping on board and helping? It makes me angry, honestly... I feel misunderstood because I think people are assuming a myriad of bad things about me, and then I feel angry that they're letting their bad feelings get in the way of real change.
With the situation that happened today, I don't think I did anything "wrong" by elevating what I perceived to be something broken to the appropriate people. It turned out that the only thing "broken" was the process for documenting the right steps, which was what led me to thinking the right steps weren't being taken at all. It was a misunderstanding on my part, which happens, and I'm okay when it happens. What didn't sit right was the reaction that others seemed to have... that I'm accusing them of not caring or not doing their jobs when I was really just trying to look out for a student. I was also trying to discern what role I should take in the process, if any. I'm new to this job and didn't know the process from start to finish, so I didn't know if I had a role to play in it. Even if I didn't have any role at all to play, though... it begs the larger question I'm wrestling with, which is whether or not it's my responsibility as a seeker of justice to elevate my concerns if something is not as it should be, whether it's someone else's fault or not.
That's it!
If it's my job to do the fixin', then I'll fix it myself.
If it's not my job and someone just needs to know what's going on, it can be my job to kindly relay the information.
If it's not my job and someone already knows what's going on but isn't doing their job to make it better... is it wrong to lovingly elevate the situation to someone who can hold them accountable? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?
In other words - HOW DO I UPHOLD JUSTICE WHEN THE BALL WAS DROPPED BY SOMEONE ELSE, WHOM I WILL LIKELY OFFEND BY POINTING OUT THE FACT THAT THERE'S A BROKEN, DROPPED BALL ON THE GROUND?
Unfortunately, like most things in life, there doesn't seem to be a clear-cut, black-and-white answer. Instead, we trudge on through the grey, heavy with the burden of being in the world but not of it, eyes fixed on a Light that guides us, balancing justice for the underserved on one shoulder and compassion for a broken world on the other, laying it all down at the feet of our Savior, who not only lightens the load, but provides peace and comfort as we sit in the in-between.
I want to continue to care and to do good. I want to assume that everyone is trying their best, even if that means sometimes their "best" is not up to God's holy standards for justice. I want to love those around me with intentionality and poise that puts their needs above my own, because Jesus models this kind of servant-love, leading with humility.
I am humble enough to apologize when my hastiness towards action did not lead first with love and compassion. And as I said... I'm working on it.
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