You're right where you're supposed to be.

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Our God is a jealous God. 

This has always sat weirdly with me. God can’t be JEALOUS, right? Isn’t He all good, all the time?

But there are countless examples in Scripture where God is referred to as a jealous God. It has to mean something significant or it wouldn’t be mentioned so many times. 

I think God wants us to put Him first in our lives. Heck, I KNOW this because it doesn’t get any clearer than “thou shalt not have any other gods before me.” It’s in the rules. In fact, it's the FIRST rule. It's in the Ten Commandments. It’s crystal clear. 

But what does that mean practically for our lives? I think the answer may go a little deeper than some rules written on a stone tablet. 

(Side note: is that why our iPads and Kindles are called “tablets?” Another blog post idea.)

So if God wants us to put Him first, that means He also does NOT want anything to come before Him.

Like, anything. 

And I’m such a control freak that sometimes I can convince myself that I’m trusting in God and putting His will above my own when I’m really just working behind the scenes, manipulating situations so that even if they don’t turn out “my way,” they at least turn out “my way #2.” In other words, I’m SUCH a planner that I have backups for times where I can “surrender it all to God!” because I’m too afraid of actually surrendering. I want control so much that I can’t fully surrender and trust. I have to have a backup, just in case. 

Anyone else out there relate to this? Am I just crazy?

Like, take the situation I’m in right now for example. I have this plan for my life, and it doesn’t directly go against anything God says to be good and true, so I naturally am claiming it as the “right way” or the “sovereign plan” for my life. But, there are a lot of unknowns. There are other people involved. I can’t fully control the outcome. So instead of laying it ALL down at Jesus’ feet and say, “Your will be done!” I decide it’s probably better for me to just end it myself, before I get the chance to be disappointed. I can’t control all the pieces, so it’s better to just end it now. Cut off the potential. Press “pause” on the dream. Because at least this way, I’ll be in control of the loss instead of having it forced upon me. 

And the worst part? I try to put God in a box throughout of all it, putting timelines and conditions on Him. I say things like “If ____ doesn’t happen by ____, it’s just not meant to be. It’s probably not in God’s will. So I should just pull the plug now.”

How silly of me to think God can operate inside my tiny confines of my time table! It’s barely been three days without a clear answer and somehow I think that’s enough to warrant action- for me to proactively and preemptively end things because it’s easier that way. And I somehow do it in God’s name because I asked for Him to move! And if He didn’t, then I guess I need to, right?

Wrong. Truth time:

God’s ways are higher than mine. My tiny brain cannot comprehend just how deeply He cares for me and how desperately He wants to bring me to Himself. His timing is far better than mine, and His will is good and perfect. 

I’m building idols and altars to worship what my heart wants and desires and it is not okay. Not when my ways go before God. Not when my BACKUP plans go before God, either. 

The specifics of the situation I’m in right now aren’t necessarily important. What matters is that I’m living in this tension- between what I want and where I am right now, without it. And I know God wants me to put Him first, even now. Especially now!

Because when I pull the plug on potential because I’m too anxious in the waiting, I leave no room for trusting God. I have no need to, because I can control it all myself.  It’s the opposite of putting my faith in the thing I desire (which is also a problem, but that’s another talk for another day)- it’s putting faith in myself and whatever the heck I decide, because I have a trust problem. And if I can’t get what I want, when I want it, then I make the decision to stop wanting it for my own self-preservation. 

Right now, I’m feeling God call me closer to Him, even in the midst of all of this uncertainly and loss of control. I’m right where I need to be to grow and be challenged. The obstacles I’m facing aren’t aimless or painful just for the sake of pain. God’s using them as a training ground so I can make the decision to put Him first, above the potential and above the backup plan, in case it doesn’t work out. 

I trust Him because He is good and He’ll never EVER let me down. 

 Leaving ya with some killer lyrics from "New Wine" by Hillsong Worship:
In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making
New wine
In the soil, I
Now surrender
You are breaking
New ground
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don't need to understand

Trusting and not needing to understand everything. Here goes nothing!

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